At first I was afraid, to watch the silence melt to rain.
It felt a bit unnerving to be so estranged from pain.
I saw His pillar calling, leading me so far away,
So cloud by day or fiery night, I followed Him astray.
But once upon a time I had a place to call my own.
Thlipsi was an anchor, like a lonely hollow throne.
And now I serve a God who asks for more than just my strength,
Who gives me map and compass without scale or size or length.
Walking on, meandering, my mind can seem to wander.
Is my part a vagabond who hikes from thought to ponder?
Currently my mission feels benign and bored as most..
It seems I walk a nightmare, while my dreams lie past the coast.
Through it all, my head is down, my steps are one by one.
And even as I lose myself, His pillar leads me on.
Then I found a different strength, a different life, in me.
As if somehow My failing had inspired company.
I found some friends who cared for real, and got to know my rhyme,
And even though their ears don’t hear, they let me waste their time.
Through over times and bygone deaths, I let Him move my heart.
I tried to be myself instead of playing faceless part.
A month went by, and then a year, but still I didn’t mind,
As if i thought the Lord of heaven, earth, and i were kind.
Now walking on, with purpose growing my maturity,
I saw that maybe I don’t need my insecurity,
That all along my questions weren’t of whether He’s enough,
But whether I am worth it, when my spirit’s cold and tough.
I guess the Lord is pretty big, He’s led me through the fray.
So maybe I don’t need to understand His way today.